One of my co-workers, whom I related to best to, was a heavy-set woman in her early forties was very friendly. I saw Maude a few times outside of work at each other houses. The names of my co-workers are changed to protect identities. One afternoon, she waited a little bit for the end of my shift and drove me to her house up the west hill in Federal Way to meet a good friend who came over regularly. In addition, for most of my doctor appointments at the Group Health Clinic at Federal Way she drove me there when she was able. Otherwise, I would need to leave early to allow time to go by bus. Maude joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses for her spiritual growth and support. I was also drawn to her in that I am spiritual too with my faith in Christ and the bible. Since she became active with the religious organization, she was able to cope better with her situation. As the years went by she was admitted into the hospital less and less frequently when her manic episode had spun out of control. Occasionally her medicine doses needed to be readjusted for the most optimal levels.
Though generally my co-workers were very friendly and accepted me very well, there were a few of them who were more difficult to deal with and presented me more challenges. In the new cafeteria at Auburn, after several weeks when we were more settled in operation, a man and then later a woman worked directly with me as dinner cooks and I became sensitive to of how both Dean and Valerie treated me with disrespect. Even though I didn’t like being around them, I still felt positive qualities emanating from their basic human essences as any other human being.
One of the things about Dean that irked me the most was that he never cleaned up after himself. He left all the messes for me to take care of. That responsibility was dumped on me since I was the one who worked the most directly with him. Even though I didn’t mind the clean up tasks too much, such as cleaning tables and soup kettles, I resented the idea that I was being taken advantage of more than anything else.
After I told him to take on more responsibility for his work and he refused to comply, I complained about the situation to the head supervisor of the entire cafeteria. He responded by having me to continue to clean after Dean since that was easier than ordering Dean to comply. Apparently the supervisor didn’t want to get involved with any disputes. In general he didn’t want to be bothered by any problems even minor ones, such as erroneous numbers appearing on the production sheets.
The supervisor was right about one thing that was never to talk about a fellow employee to the other workers. One day when I was so irritated with Dean, I gossiped about how he mistreated me along with my psychoanalysis of why he did that. When I was told to stop, I realized that it was wrong to backbite anyone no matter what they did. Gossip tends to create a great deal of tension and disrupt the unity of the group.
I understood that Dean had a lot of personal challenges to deal with. His health was very fragile from obesity, arthritis, and extreme irritability. I suspected that he had suffered alcoholism from his mental symptoms and extremely poor diet. He mentioned having several episodes of his getting drunk from drinking all evening. During both our breakfast and lunch breaks, he consumed way too much sweets and carbohydrates. One of the telltale signs of alcoholism is excessive cravings for sweets. Due to poor health and illness his absenteeism was very high, greater than what was accepted.
One a much more positive note, occasionally provided me with constructive criticism on my social skills where I needed to improve. For example, after a discussion over break, he had pointed out that I had a tendency to go off on a tangent when I talked or give excessive amount of unnecessary details on a subject. At first it was difficult to understand, but it sunk in eventually. He also taught me to listen first to all of the instructions before I do a task rather than interrupting or assuming things even when being so assure of me. Even people who showed me more respect generally tended to avoid trying to correct me.
As I got to know Dean more after having worked together for about a year, I shift my focus to his pure human essence (inherent in all human beings) and his positive qualities such as his good social skills and his good use of humor.
By the time I had become fully adjusted in dealing with Dean in December of 1991, he was transferred out of my cafeteria to work in another one and switched places with another cook. Although I had learned to work effectively with him, I felt some relief when I heard that he was leaving. I was hopeful the next cook would show me more respect like most other co-workers.
Such hope was dashed away as I became more acquainted with Valerie and sensed that she didn’t care very much for me. Though her personality was different from Dean and she did clean up after herself unless falling behind schedule and asked me to help, she also was disrespectful towards me. She often acted more rudely towards me where as she tended to be more polite towards others. She was inconsistent in returning greeting whenever I greeted her. She never greeted me first. She tended to be inflexible in how certain things were done–from preparing vegetables to washing kettles. Though it wasn’t a big deal to modify things. She constantly reminded me to do each task as if I would forget every time to do things, or as if I were a very slow learner and needed frequent prompting as some people with disabilities need. One time when I was asked to take over a certain task in addition to my list, Valerie tried to knock me down by implying that it might be too much for me to do. Luckily I was very confident of my ability to get it done on time and wasn’t prone to feelings of failure before I even started.
I resented that Valerie was able to be so friendly with other people, but the opposite with me. I was highly sensitive to this as it brought back issues from my childhood when I was more disabled and some of the neighborhood children always avoided or made fun of me due to how they responded to my differences. Even though intellectually I knew that it wasn’t my fault that caused Valerie to treat me as she did, I still felt hurt by her apparent rejection of me. Though most people had liked and accepted me, I wanted everyone to care for me. I wasn’t able to stand any hatred of kind.
One afternoon I felt so annoyed with how Valerie treated me that at the end of our shifts, I confronted her as I changed out of my work uniform. When I lectured her about the importance of treating everyone with respect and got into an analysis of why she was repelled by me and how she could improve her lot with faith and practice, she refused to listen to me. Not only didn’t she want to hear me, she also got very upset and screamed at me and threatened to tell the managers on me. I felt so much tension that I shook all over and couldn’t talk straight. It was as though I was hitting her and my hand hurt much more than the pain I inflicted. Though I never laid my hand on her.
One day shortly after Valerie began working with us, Maude handed me a cute card with a drawing of a girl baking cookies. The card reminded her of me doing my job I was responsible for baking. This was Maude’s way of expressing compassion towards me. She saw what was going on and became very concerned about Valerie had treated me with bossiness and rudeness. She offered me encouragement to take everything in my stride and suggested that whenever missiles come my way I should grab and bent them to be returned to the sender. Based on the mystic law of cause and effect, the one who sends them would ultimately suffer the most.
After I came down on Valerie, I realized that I was at least as harsh to her as she was to me. There wasn’t any point trying to make her listen to me when she didn’t want to take anything from me. All that I had done was to create a great deal of tension and build higher walls between us without resolving anything. I realized that the highest priority should be getting along with one another, as much as possible, not trying to correct someone when one doesn’t want to listen. I needed to take on more responsibility for our relationship since it was a two-way deal, not dependent on her side only. No matter what kind of a person I was there would always be at least a few who didn’t like me. It was okay since each individual is entitled to choice.
Valerie was not a bad person. She just had a different way of perceiving me and acted accordingly. I learned to realize that it wasn’t me or my disability that was the problem. As long as I left her alone and took in consideration her personality everything was fine, not that we would ever become best friends. Since it is necessary to appreciate the diversity of all people, I began to focus more on Valerie as a human being like me, appreciating her human essence, not as a villain.
In February of 1992, I was involved in a four-way job rotation with three other women, spanning three job classifications. However the lunch service responsibilities remained the same for all. I was promoted into the pantry position that involved a greater use of machinery and following recipes for simple foods. Being placed into a higher job classification boosted my self-esteem by management trusting me to take on increased responsibilities especially since there were several women who were just as qualified as I was. The woman whose morning job I took over was demoted as much as three notches to the lowest rank due to high absenteeism related to her illness. It eventually forced her to quit. I like doing different things. Even though my new workstation was further from Valerie’s we still all worked together as a team.
I still prepared buckets of bleach water as nobody else wanted to do it including the woman who took over my other position. It wasn’t worth it to make a fuss about it. Every morning I operated the meat slicer and weighted out the portions of all of the meats used in hot and cold sandwiches including the deli bar. I prepared strips of ham, turkey, and cheeses for the chef salads. I sliced cheese in one-ounce portions for sandwiches.
After I cleaned the meat slicer, dried the pieces, and put them back together, I prepared cocktail sauce and the popular salad dressings that were mayonnaise based. After being in my new slot for a little while, I began to prepare muffin batters from mixes with a few things for various muffins that had previously done by the breakfast/fry cook. It generally worked out very well with my schedule.
Since the woman who took over my cook’s helper position had to go out to the front early to get the fryers ready, I retained some of the responsibilities of the job classification such as steaming the vegetables and whipping mashed potatoes as they needed to be done relatively at the last minute.
After Valerie was in my cafeteria for about seven months in July of 1992, she was transferred out into another cafeteria and switched places with another dinner cook. As soon as the new cook started in my cafeteria, I was relieved as I felt that I wasn’t going to have any problems with him. Tim was very friendly and easy to work with.
Tim was much more easy-going and loved to joke. Even though his jokes tended to be highly repetitious and on the silly side, I enjoyed his playfulness and sense of humor. For example, whenever I used any of the sinks or put things away or take them out of the small coolers, he charged me ridiculous prices for the use so he could retire early. Sometimes he jokingly cried, “help”, and made imitations of animal sounds especially wild felines. Occasionally, he played with and lightly sprinkled parsley flakes and chocolate chips on my apron. He played with parts of our uniform. For example, he pulled the apron ties loose. He also took off caps (baseball or visor) and put them back on backwards or inverted the bills. He also took off employee badges and put them back on wrong.
Tim did the same things over and over again without moving on to new jokes or play. He was stuck in a rut. He lived alone with a cat, never had married or had children. But, he had a steady girlfriend who was a former employee. Though he was intelligent and was one the best and most dependable of employees, he had a great difficulty in understanding the more abstract concepts–things that weren’t spelled out in the union contract but were still expected–such as preparing special desserts. Despite all of his play activities, he was still one of the most efficient workers and got a lot of things done.
When Tim had worked in my cafeteria for a year he informed me he was switching again with Valerie, I was sad that he was leaving for another cafeteria. I had gotten along so well with him and we were able to relate to each other very well due to our respective autism related struggles. We often confided in each other. He didn’t want to be transferred out but was ordered to do so. I knew that I would miss him, even though I learned to get along with Valerie.
As soon as Valerie came back in July of 1993 I had welcomed her back and was even more determined to forgive her for everything that had happened between us as I wanted to make a fresh new beginning. For a while I still felt some tension whenever we were near each other. I had mustered all the faith I had to have things turned around for the good of both of us. I hoped to transform the negative into the positive. I prayed and concentrated on getting rid of any negativity I felt towards her and replacing it with much more positive thoughts. Though we never become true friends, I had learned to let go of the negativity and even to be happy to do things for her as I would for anyone else. She had as much of the right to exist as I or anyone else. Out of my increased respect for her, she began to say “hello” to me more consistently.
I received encouragement from Kris and my friends to make the best of the situation and that sometimes our enemies could bring us good things such as increased inner strength, deepening of faith to show actual proof in life, and valuable lessons to learn. I had come to believe that there is a reason why every single person, including enemies, appeared in my life. Though the purpose might not always be apparent, as I prayed and opened my heart to the possibilities, the wisdom eventually came to me of what to do. From what I had gained, I was able to provide encouragement to others, such as to one co-worker who also didn’t like Valerie.
Since our move to Pacific, we let our membership with the Mountaineers run out since I knew that it would generally be very difficult to get rides. We were out of the way for most people coming almost from any direction and lived miles away from the main Interstate 5 corridor. Even though, the organization had a local chapter in Tacoma that was a little bit closer to us, it was still far enough away to make it difficult to get rides. Ironically even though we lived much closer to Mount Rainier, it was harder for us to get there. It was just as well that we dropped the Mountaineers as we had more to do around our place. We kept our weekends occupied with walks all over the neighborhood and yard work, especially all spring and summer.
After we were in our new house for over a year in August of 1991, my folks–my mother, stepfather, my brother, and his second wife–came out to see it for the first time. I was lucky to get a week off in August. I had requested it for during the middle of the month to coincide with the blackberry season that was also the best time of the year for people to visit. I was also very lucky to pick the week that was best for them as they all had a wedding to attend.
One of Jean’s (Bob’s ex girl friend) daughters was married in a country club on the Eastside and had invited the four members of my family. Though she had considered including Kris and me she didn’t. It was just as well since after being out all day sightseeing with my folks, it was best for Kris to stay home during the evening to rest and gear up for the next day’s activities. Though it would have been fun to visit with the few people I had known and meet other ones, I didn’t mind staying home and meditate since I wouldn’t have any other time. By the time I was thirty-four I no longer felt that I had to be included in every party that my folks went to. Unlike my early adolescent days when I didn’t have a good network of friends outside my special school, I had established circles of friends here so I no longer felt isolated. I had the opportunity to show my folks actual proof of how I had matured over the years.
A friendly acquaintance, who was at my house one evening during the early nineties when she saw me, felt that she recognized me from the past. She mentioned that she saw a woman walking by Renton Boeing during the late eighties that was several years earlier. She described the woman as highly intelligent being entrenched in her thoughts as her eyes revealed deep introspective thoughts and trances. She inferred that I was very likely to be that woman. I agreed with her since I did work at Renton Boeing during the same period and I did walk all over the area often and I was aware of daydreaming all the time. This perception of me was supported by what two camp counselors, from Samual Field YMCA camp in the summer of 1971 during my adolescence, had written in my autograph book:
“Deb-
Sometimes you seem on the quiet side a bit. But thats ’cause there’s so many fine things going on in your mind all the time. Keep thinking and being honest.
Love Stan.”
“Debbie,
Yes, you’re prancing in front of me with dancing eyes… Sometimes I wonder where you are–and I see everything in the right place–your eyes and ears and heart are open wonderful. Take care–continue to grow.
Love Ellen.”‘
When I was fourteen, when I received these notes, I had no awareness of how I appeared to others. I didn’t understand how I looked different from most others. As I matured and continued to grow over the years into my adulthood and learned more and more about autism I was able to comprehend more and more about my behavior and how autism could affect the subtleties of facial expressions, used in non-verbal communication, as well as verbal cues. The eyes especially reveal introversion or deep thinking, as in my case, or on the other hand extroversion with sustain focus on other people. The eyes that are windows of the soul, though other parts of the face are equally involved in displaying emotions, tend to be very challenging for those with autism to recognize. As I had become more aware of these things I learned to tune my focus outward to others and enliven my facial expressions. My husband Kris noticed a big change in my expressions though the process was very gradual.
Throughout the blackberry season each summer, often on my way walking home from work, I picked the berries from vacant lots overgrown with bushes that were only a few blocks from our house. Each year I had filled six to eight half-gallon size plastic containers to store in our large freezer. Most of them had been for Kris for breakfast cereals and desserts. I liked mine best as I picked them fresh from the bush.
The big freezer provided us with enough space to freeze the summer and fall crops; seaweed, nettles, rhubarb, applesauce, and a variety of squashes for the entire year. Every year best during early spring, I picked and steamed nettles from the vacant fields near us. Often during late summer, friends and neighbors gave us zucchini, summer squash, and pumpkins. Sometimes, whenever we were driven to the store before Halloween we purchased large pumpkins. Though I made some pies, I processed them mostly to be eaten with rice.
During the early nineties when I had heard that it is unhealthy to hold back any urge to sneeze, I began to work on my compulsion to stop such urges out of unfounded embarrassment. It wasn’t easy to break away from the old patterns that I had had for so many years, but I knew that it needed to be done. Since sneezing is nature’s way of clearing out irritants from the system, it is necessary not to interfere with the process.
It was the easiest among close family members, including my in-laws, or the crowds in public places to let go of my compulsion. On the other hand, when at work or with friends or acquaintances, it was the most difficult to let urges to sneeze go freely as I felt that I was where people would judge me the most even though intellectually I knew that I was also safe with them. By 1993 as I had allowed myself to sneeze freely, without any neurotic inhibitions.
During the end of January of 1993, I was summoned for jury duty at the King County Superior Justice in downtown Seattle for two weeks. Since this was the first time that I was summoned and was able to go, it was interesting to see what the court system was like. I had been called once before for jury duty, but it was in Virginia shortly after I began college and wasn’t able to serve. This provided me with an opportunity to learn new things with a break in my normal routine especially since I would be paid my regular wages minus the compensation from the courts.
There was a great deal of waiting time in the big holding room between being called for court cases so I had plenty of time to catch up on reading. I had brought along a bunch of magazines and books to read while I waited with hundreds of other potential jurors. There were always more people than were actually needed as things were often settled out of court the last minute, but we needed to have them available. It was fun to become acquainted with some of them as we came from diverse backgrounds.
I was also able to take advantage of what downtown Seattle offered, since I didn’t get a chance to go there often since our move to Pacific. We all had at least an hour and a half lunch break that provided me with enough time to browse the art galleries and shops. Throughout the two weeks I went on a minor spending spree to take advantage of being by shops, especially since I was out of the way of the stores even in Auburn. I included as much grocery shopping as possible so I wouldn’t need to go for a while. I even shopped at Puget Consumers Co-op and Recreational Equipment Incorporated whenever I was dismissed early in the day.
Luckily the weather was very mild for the time of the year with some sunshine and hardly any rain. Most of the days I packed my own lunch and ate at mini parks where I was able to sit on a bench during my lunch hour. A few other days I purchased lunch at a variety of ethnic delicatessens and tried different foods from Thailand, Turkey, and Russia.
It was very interesting to see how the justice system operated. I was amazed that for each trial the jury selection process took which involve a lot of questions being asked to select twelve jurors and two alternates out of forty people for most of the cases. The questions were to ensure that the jury would be as impartial and fair as possible. After the questions were asked, some people were excused from the case, one by one, by both the defense and prosecution attorneys until the required number of jurors and alternates were left.
All during my first week at the courthouse, I was excused from one trial after another on the average of about one a day. It had begun to get discouraging by the end of that week since I wanted to serve on at least one trial. I was able to understand why I would be excused from one civic case that involved a vehicle since my lack of experience would make it harder for me to judge fairly. But, the other trials, which were criminal, it wasn’t so clear, cut as how my experiences would put me at a disadvantage to the jury. The attorneys were allowed to excuse up to six people each on their own discretion without any explanations. It seemed likely by the end of the week that it might have been what my speech sounded like rather than what I said that might have influenced the attorneys who didn’t know me at all.
However, during the second week my experience at the court was completely different. At the end of Tuesday, I finally was selected to serve on a trial as a second alternate. I was happy that I was accepted rather than being turned away from some character flaw that I felt the week earlier. I had taken being excused personally since I had related it to the discriminations against me from the past.
Though I felt honored to serve on a criminal trial, I had a little concern that I might not be able to pay attention since my mind had a tendency to wander off or I might doze if drowsy, especially in the afternoon shortly after lunch. I surprised myself and exceeded my expectations of being able to pay close attention to the entire trial about an armed robbery that lasted a few days, even though this wasn’t my main area of interest which made it even more challenging. I realized how important it was to take in every bit of information so that if I would participate in the deliberations, I would be able to weigh all of the evidences and make the best decision as possible.
Shortly after I was released from the case before it went into deliberations on Thursday morning, I was called for another criminal case about assault charges. As I sat in the jury bench and the attorneys began excusing people, who sat on the bench with me, I got so nervous that my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. Since I only had one day left of the two-week stint of jury duty and this would possibly be my last chance to actually get on the jury and get involved with the deliberations, I was even more anxious than all of the first week. I was expecting my name to be called due to my prior experience even though many of the people who sat with me had experiences with the police that would put them at a disadvantage for the trial.
After people were dismissed, I was pleasantly surprised that I had remained on the jury bench. I was given a chance to serve on the entire case including the deliberations that I hadn’t been part of as an alternate. I wanted to see what it was like to go through all of the processes at least once. I didn’t mind extending jury duty for a few extra days into the third week as I would be paid up to fifteen days total.
After one and a half days of the testimonies, the twelve of us jurors spent an entire day deliberating. I was surprised at how long it took us to agree and come to a decision. There were some muddy areas, such as manifestation versus intention, in the law that some of us, including myself, got stuck on, which held us up. We finally went to a non-guilty verdict with just enough time to catch the express bus to Auburn to make the last shuttle to Pacific. I was back at work by Wednesday of the third week after having served for a total of eleven days. Overall it was a highly valuable and educational experience of learning about the system and even more about me.
dithorsos2
